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| Photo Credit: MotivationalTwist.com |
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!”
I don’t know of any little rhymes like this that perpetuate a bigger lie!
I think some parent in the distant past must have taught their child to say this in reply to someone who had said something unkind. I’m sure the intention was good and was meant to give back to the child the dignity and self-respect the other person was trying to steal. It is, in essence, saying “what you just said to me is untrue and I’m not going to let it affect me, so there!”
However, hurtful words do affect us deeply and the hurt can last a long time and significantly impact the way we live and think about ourselves. Hurtful words, like uranium, have an atomic half-life and their poison can linger in our brains for years.
I’m now 48 years old but I still remember the words, and how they made me feel, that a coach said to me when I was 17–31 years ago!
I was not feeling well and had performed poorly at a cross-country meet. I normally placed in the top-5 for my team, but came in well below that for this race. When the coach asked me what happened, I just said “I didn’t feel good.” He must have interpreted that as “I just didn’t feel like pushing hard today.” What he said to me in front of all of my teammates was “Van Horn, you’re a loser! You’ll never amount to anything in life.”
Those words cut me like a knife. This was my coach. A man to whom I looked up and from whom I very much wanted approval, not condemnation, and certainly not public humiliation.
I recently reread Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages“, in which he talks about how we all have a way, a “language”, in which we want people to communicate their love to us. One of my primary “love languages” is words of affirmation.
That day, 31 years ago, I needed to hear a word of affirmation; a phrase like “That’s OK, Bruce. I know you are better than you performed today and can and will do better next time.” Instead of a phrase that acknowledge my poor performance but still left my character intact, he attacked both. And when the words come from someone you respect and admire, they hurt much more than from people you don’t know or don’t or really care about.
Those words have stayed with me for a long time. And there have been many times when the evil voice we all hear from time to time has asked me consider if he was right. Am I a loser? Will I not amount to anything?
Make no mistake about it. Words are powerful. Within your words are the power to praise, create, lift, build, support, minister, and make people feel good. Conversely, you have the power to crush and destroy.
It takes a long time for the words to stop echoing in our heads, a long time for the radioactive poison to work its way out.
So, I ask you, beg of you, to please think before you speak. Take a fraction of a second to ask yourself “how would this make me feel if someone said it to me?” before the words leave your tongue.
If you are in a leadership position, please practice this axiom: Praise in public; Admonish in private!
And if it’s too late and the hurtful words have slipped out before you could stop them, you can’t take them back, but you can be very quick to apologize. A quick and sincere “I’m so sorry I said that” can go a long way toward easing the pain.
So, you see, sticks and stone may break someone’s bones, but bones tend to heal much faster than the human brain and heart that has been wounded by hurtful words.
Today’s post is part of Jennifer Luitweiler’s #denythelie link-up. Last week, Andi Cumbo, Jen, and I were talking about the ways that “sticks and stones” have wounded us. If you’d like to share your story here, I give you my word that this is a safe place. (Any derogatory comments will be deleted.) Or feel free to write your own post and link it up at Jen’s blog today. How have words wounded you?
If we thought before we spoke…it would prevent so much pan. Thanks, Bruce.
Jennifer, thanks for the comment. It would prevent SO much pain. In fact, while this post is about a hurtful comment that was made to me, I’ve been thinking over my life and recalling many comments I’ve made to people through the years that I wish I could take back. I think I’ll write a post on that subject soon.
Bruce,
You’re absolutely right. I’ve been hurt and have hurt others with my words. When I have done the hurting I’ve regretted it. However, I’ve learned to forgive others for their hurtful words because I know that no one is perfect.
Live and learn.
Will
PS I used to run cross country too!
A wonderful read–and words to live by. As a parent and public school teacher, I have wised to take back the words spoken in situations that were tense. Now in my seventies, I mull over the words before they are spoken. Never do I want to negate a person and who they are.
Thank you for this good article Bruce.
We all have been a victim of hurtful words. I’ve experienced similar situations from family members when I was young. It affected me growing up. Hurtful words form strangers are much easier to heal. But I also learn that you can turn those experiences around and use it as a tool which can make you stronger, greater person.
I didn’t pass my M16 range once when I was in the Army and a guy came up to me and called me and laugh and said that I shouldn’t be in the service.My glasses were foggy, and I couldn’t see, when I fixed it the third time I shoot and claimed Sharp Shooter.
I tried to look at the scenario and to why a person would utter such words. Soon I realize, see the hurt, and pains that is in those individuals manifesting in their words. That is what I try to teach my son, having been bullied in class a couple of times.
I too, I have to admit, sometimes..is guilty of not thinking before speaking BUT I quickly snap out the evil queen in me and apologize.
Aloha!
Donna, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and your own story. It’s a great story of how you took what someone else meant to insult and hold you back and turned it around to motivate yourself to accomplish your goal. Congratulations on turning the table and earning your Sharp Shooter designation. And a HUGE THANK YOU for serving our country!!!
Thank you for this article. I just followed you on twitter and saw this link.
I agree about how important words are. When I was giving birth, after a long labor of 16 hours I was spent and considering giving up my insistence on birthing drug free. I asked my husband “Do you still think we can do this?” And he said, “Yes of course we will.” About 30 minutes later our baby was born completely naturally and without a single injury to me or himself.
I know my husband secretly feared for me through the long labor process, but he still kept me strong with his words.
Dear Bruce: I really loved this piece. It speaks passionately and intelligently about an issue that affects everyone at one time or another. Bullying. Nice work. Good to meet you on Twitter @CinemaProfound. Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones! All the best, Sidney Peck.
Thank you Bruce for sharing your words with us… To put it in other words including Christ work here: This is true for part of our character when we are in the process of growing up following Christ… that part that is following our flesh could take us years to let the Holly Spirit heal us completely if we don´t give our self completely, but if we can the part that has the seed of Christ, the one that´s learning to follow the Holy Spirit will find the way to forgive because it will know “they don´t know what their are doing”,… And recognize that those words are foolish words that are not true… And if we are not following Christ it will be very harder and will could get stock for all our life in that situation.
We hurt because we have been hurt. I often find when I hurt people the most is when I project my expectations upon them. My expectations usually are trying to compensate for my short comings. Words aren’t the only way to cut and inflict pain, but they are usually the most quickly received.
On the flip side; we love because we are loved. It’s a strange idea because being hurt, specifically from words, is our memory of the past. But being loved is a feeling in the present. We aren’t called to live in the past, we are called to look forward to a better place.
Great post! Great discussion!
Such a powerful message. Thank you.
Very beautiful article! This is so similar to one story that i heard in my childhood. Someone hosted his best friend to meal in his home. Wife’s of the host (the hostess) brought the meal and they together beginning to eat. Suddenly while eating soup, the guest drew the soup with a very gruff voice. The hostess said – “Your friend eating like a pig”. He (the guest) got up from the chair and while he intended to leave the house he wounded on his foot by the table. After years the host saw him and asks him, how’s your leg? He answers – My leg wound is healed, but the sentence that your wife told me is still in my head and it doesn’t cured. Fact, The physical wounds can be healed, but the spiritual wounds never be heal.
Good message that teachers, coaches and parents should read, mostly for their own sake too. Often also the recipients become recalcitrant and unkind in reciprocity and it therefore gets complicated for all parties. Thanks for this message. I will retweet.
Hi Bruce. Great article… I really liked it. 🙂
Great write-up. I have been blessed tremendously