The difference between “My pants ripped” and “I ripped my pants” is not just about grammar, it is about mindset.
I love finding the “teachable moments” in parenting!
Grammar teachers are ever vigilant for the use of passive voice in their students’ writings, but, perhaps, for the wrong reasons. There are instances where use of the passive voice is appropriate when writing, but we need to be more careful about using it our speech. Why? Because it indicates our desire to be the victim rather than taking responsibility for the action.
My son came home from school and nonchalantly pronounced, “My pants ripped, Dad,” while showing me the large tear in his school pants. He even declared, “but they were old and wearing out anyway,” proud for identifying the offending flaw.
“And what exactly were the pants doing when they ripped?” I asked. “Nothing. They just ripped,” he said.
“OK, what were you doing when the pants ripped?”
“Oh, I was sliding down the dirt hill at the back of school.”
“I see. So the pants ripped because you were sliding down the hill, right?” He nodded his affirmation.
“Therefore, the pants did not just rip all by themselves making you the victim of their having ripped. In fact, the pants got ripped as a result of you sliding down the hill, which makes the pants the victim of your action, right?” With the obligatory rolling of the eyes, knowing where his writer-father was going with this, he said “Yes, Dad, I ripped my pants while sliding down the hill.”
See how much easier it would have been for him had he just come home, shown me his pants, claimed responsibility and said “I ripped my pants, Dad.”
Be aware of using active or passive voice as you speak because it indicates your mindset. Are you responsible for our actions and feelings, or are you the victim of situations?
“My boss made me so mad,” is not actually a true statement. Your boss did not make you angry. You are in control of your feelings and you chose to get mad. He may, indeed, have done something that warranted the response of anger, but he did not make you mad. You should have said “I got so mad at my boss,” and gone on to explain why.
It is very important for you to adopt an active, responsible, mindset. You may be the victim of something happening to you, but you are never the victim of how you feel or react to it. When you tear your pants, just say so. When you get angry at your boss, realize that he may have done something for which anger is justified, but you are the one responsible for being angry about it.
Your words reveal what is going on inside your head. Are you a victim, or are you responsible for the way you think? Think about it!
~You may also enjoy hearing me speak about this topic on the Life Is A Marathon Podcast
If you enjoyed this, or any of my other posts, I’d be honored if you’d share it with your family, friends and followers!
Do you agree or disagree with what I’ve written? I’d love to hear your comments!
Thank you for this post, Bruce.
Honestly, when I write for my website my editor constantly catches me on ‘passive voice’ – I never realized how much I wrote ‘to be’ until then.
Reading this helped me clarify the difference when before I didn’t pay much attention to it.
I’m glad I was here to learn this lesson!
Good post. But I don’t choose to get mad at my boss. That happens instinctively, like blinking at the flash of a bright light. However, I can choose how I deal with that anger. By the way, I’m still working on that. (Repeat after me: serenity now, serenity now, serenity now…)
When I’m writing I try not to use the passive because the active voice is usually less complicated. For years now when I speak I have always tried to use the active voice to take responsibility for my own actions, and if I slip up I hear it straight away and correct myself. It feels good. Thank you for this great post.
What a great example of cutting through rhetoric to make an impact! Excellent insights Bruce – I have shared this post with hundreds of folks through my internal work blog – I know it can help many people adjust their approach to life!