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Getting Unstuck

Confession time! I’ve been stuck for the past several months.

I know this confession comes as no surprise to those of you who’ve followed my blog for a while. I haven’t written a new post since November 13, 2012! Yikes!

I can easily look back over the last few months and recognize what happened. In fact, I knew it was happening all along. I knew I was getting stuck and I didn’t do anything about it.

Here’s how it happened.

When I finished the marathon on November 10, 2012 and wrote my last blog post about it, I had planned to take a few weeks off from running and writing. During that time, I set for myself some pretty lofty and aggressive goals. I decided I would completely redesign my website and I would take my Road to Richmond blog posts and compile it into an E-Book.

Have you ever heard the phrase “life happens…”? I thought so. Well, life happened.

November is always a very busy month for my company and there were many pressing projects that just had to get done before Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  Needless to say, those projects took up all of my work and personal time so neither of my personal writing projects got done.  I was still thinking about them and had many great plans on paper and in my head. I just didn’t have the time to take action on them. I told myself I could catch up next week…

November turned into December and the work-load and other demands on my personal time never let up…

By late December I started to feel guilty and embarrassed about not having my website redesigned nor my e-book done, but also about not having written any posts for my blog. I was starting to put huge pressure on myself to write something, anything… but what? And it had to be great!

You see, I never expected my blog or my Road to Richmond marathon posts to be so popular. I was humbled and amazed at how many people were reading and responding to it and telling me how helpful and/or inspirational it was to them. These are words and responses that every writer longs to hear! Thank you!!!

The problem is this: because my posts had been so popular, I felt like I had to put out something great the next time. Success can sometimes be paralyzing! And that’s what was happening to me.

In fact, as more time lapsed, I convinced myself that you, my readers, were noticing how much time was passing and that you were sure I was hard at work on the next great post! Problem is, I wasn’t.

The fear of not meeting my readers’ expectations for another great post was keeping me from writing at all.

There’s a big trap set out there for people who produce anything. The trap is the idea that the next thing we produce must be better than the last thing or there’s no point in producing it at all.

I didn’t just fall into that trap, I willingly dove into it and now I want out!

So today starts my climb out of trap I set for myself; the beginning of getting unstuck. I still have some big goals and some awesome topics I want to write about, but it’s back to basics, back to baby-steps again.

My hope in writing about how I got stuck is twofold. First, I’m really hoping the process will springboard me into action that will keep me from falling back into that patterns that got me stuck to begin with. Second, I’m hoping that some of you will recognize some of these mistakes in your own lives and will use my words as encouragement to help you get yourself unstuck too!

If you think you’re stuck and not sure how to get unstuck, here is a link to some resources you might find helpful on Amazon.com: Getting Unstuck Resources @ Amazon.com

Hurtful Words have an Atomic Half-Life

Photo Credit: MotivationalTwist.com

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!”

I don’t know of any little rhymes like this that perpetuate a bigger lie!

I think some parent in the distant past must have taught their child to say this in reply to someone who had said something unkind. I’m sure the intention was good and was meant to give back to the child the dignity and self-respect the other person was trying to steal. It is, in essence, saying “what you just said to me is untrue and I’m not going to let it affect me, so there!”

However, hurtful words do affect us deeply and the hurt can last a long time and significantly impact the way we live and think about ourselves. Hurtful words, like uranium, have an atomic half-life and their poison can linger in our brains for years.

I’m now 48 years old but I still remember the words, and how they made me feel, that a coach said to me when I was 17–31 years ago!

I was not feeling well and had performed poorly at a cross-country meet. I normally placed in the top-5 for my team, but came in well below that for this race. When the coach asked me what happened, I just said “I didn’t feel good.” He must have interpreted that as “I just didn’t feel like pushing hard today.” What he said to me in front of all of my teammates was “Van Horn, you’re a loser! You’ll never amount to anything in life.”

Those words cut me like a knife. This was my coach. A man to whom I looked up and from whom I very much wanted approval, not condemnation, and certainly not public humiliation.

I recently reread Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages“, in which he talks about how we all have a way, a “language”, in which we want people to communicate their love to us. One of my primary “love languages” is words of affirmation.

That day, 31 years ago, I needed to hear a word of affirmation; a phrase like “That’s OK, Bruce. I know you are better than you performed today and can and will do better next time.” Instead of a phrase that acknowledge my poor performance but still left my character intact, he attacked both. And when the words come from someone you respect and admire, they hurt much more than from people you don’t know or don’t or really care about.

Those words have stayed with me for a long time. And there have been many times when the evil voice we all hear from time to time has asked me consider if he was right. Am I a loser? Will I not amount to anything?

Make no mistake about it. Words are powerful. Within your words are the power to praise, create, lift, build, support, minister, and make people feel good. Conversely, you have the power to crush and destroy.

It takes a long time for the words to stop echoing in our heads, a long time for the radioactive poison to work its way out.

So, I ask you, beg of you, to please think before you speak. Take a fraction of a second to ask yourself “how would this make me feel if someone said it to me?” before the words leave your tongue.

If you are in a leadership position, please practice this axiom: Praise in public; Admonish in private!

And if it’s too late and the hurtful words have slipped out before you could stop them, you can’t take them back, but you can be very quick to apologize. A quick and sincere “I’m so sorry I said that” can go a long way toward easing the pain.

So, you see, sticks and stone may break someone’s bones, but bones tend to heal much faster than the human brain and heart that has been wounded by hurtful words.

Today’s post is part of Jennifer Luitweiler’s #denythelie link-up. Last week, Andi Cumbo, Jen, and I were talking about the ways that “sticks and stones” have wounded us. If you’d like to share your story here, I give you my word that this is a safe place. (Any derogatory comments will be deleted.) Or feel free to write your own post and link it up at Jen’s blog today. How have words wounded you?

The most loving thing…

This is a guest post by Robert G. Partington, Executive Director of Peace in the Home™, Inc., an organization devoted to building healthy family relationships. It exists to strengthen marriages and equip parents.

“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”
~ J. E. McCulloch

As one of its core values, Peace in the Home believes that parenting is the highest human privilege and responsibility. What task in life can compare with the significance of preparing the next generation? Yet, parenting isn’t without its challenges! High expectations of ourselves and of our children can lead to feelings of guilt and discontent.

As a dad, I’m always on the lookout for parenting resources — books, blogs, or dvds that will be helpful at my house, as well as for our readers and workshop participants. Obviously, I can’t keep up with everything that hits the shelves, so I’m thrilled when I get recommendations from you.

Here’s a question: Considering all sources of parenting wisdom, what parenting “technique” would you consider foundational to all others?

Peace in the Home believes the ultimate “parenting technique” is something husbands and wives can practice even before the first baby arrives, right up until the last one leaves home.

Parenting priority number one is attending to your marriage!

One of the lies of our culture is that marriage doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t matter whether you live together or get married. It doesn’t matter who you marry. It doesn’t matter if you stay together or divorce … because it’s just about two people.

We believe that a good marriage — one based on God’s design — is the best gift you can give to your children. From the day you choose the dress with your bride from collections like WWW.WINNIECOUTURE.COM/STORES/WEDDING-DRESSES-ATLANTA-GA/, to the day your child is born, and until death do you part, it is vital that a good marriage maintains that respect and establishes the atmosphere a child needs to flourish.

Desirable outcomes
An extensive body of research indicates that a child does best when he grows up in an intact home, with a mother and father, in a low-conflict marriage.

Kids who grow up in these homes are less likely to drop out of school or engage in premature sexual activity. They are likely to feel more secure, get better quality sleep, and do better socially and academically.

Later on as adults, they are less likely to cohabitate, or to accept divorce after going to look here as a legitimate option.

Highly distressed marriages and divorce, ROCK a child’s world to an extent we are only now beginning to understand. This is why many divorcing couples will try and find a Family Mediator Macclesfield that will help manage their divorce in the most careful and loving manner possible, in order to minimize the impact on the couple’s children.

“When children don’t feel secure, their whole world seems to unravel. No amount of baseball, dance, piano lessons or toys can make up for that kind of loss.”
~ D. L. Cherry

Because marriage isn’t just about two people, children do better when the marriage does better. When children feel secure, they grow, they make better choices, and they soar. So every ounce of energy we can put into strengthening our own marriages is time well spent.

Divorce can be a very traumatizing event for a child. If the split is messy, sometimes accusations of infidelity can arise and questions about a child’s paternity may need to be settled by using a company specializing in DNA testing in Rochester, for example. This could lead to a child doubting their own identity and feeling like they don’t belong. Divorce should not be the way a child finds out who their true father is, and even if the doubts are proven false, the entire process can have lasting damage to a child’s self-esteem.

Prioritizing marriage
One way of attending to your marriage is to prioritize it. By that I mean thinking and acting as if it is your most important human relationship.

Here in Virginia there’s a licence plate that reads: “Kids First”.

Kids are easy to put first. They’re cute and cuddly and dependent for a long time. For many women, there’s a huge temptation to put their relationship with their children above that of their husbands. But children, as precious as they are, can be built-in intruders on a marriage.

“Never allow your children’s wants to take precedence over your husband’s needs.”
~ Todd Linaman

Likewise for men, we can always rationalize excessive time away from home as temporary, financially-necessary, or personally fulfilling. It’s another easy choice that our culture endorses.

But, the success or failure of the home pivots on the health of our marriages, not on the contentment of our children, or on our achievements somewhere else.

While loving them up, it’s good for the kids to hear Mom say: “Dad and I are the most important people in each other’s lives!”, or to hear Dad say: “Marrying your mother was the smartest thing I ever did!”

Structure of the home
For many of us, prioritizing marriage is so radical it means making a structural change. That’s not so easy. Many families need help with this.

In his word, we discover that God’s design for the family isn’t a democracy. It’s not an egalitarian system either. It celebrates children, but never revolves around them. It’s marriage-centered.

Structural family therapy pioneer, Salvador Minuchin, refers to the husband and wife relationship as the “executive subset”. (Maybe I’ll put that on our bedroom door!) But seriously, don’t miss the point: In a healthy home, there’s a clearly differentiated boundary between parents and children.

That idea integrates nicely with God’s word. God is a God of order. There’s order to his creation. There’s order to his design for the home.

Scripture paints a wonderful picture with clear boundaries between parents and children, woven throughout the wisdom of Proverbs.

Paul puts the home clearly in order in Ephesians 5 and 6, when he addresses husbands and wives first, children second, and household help third.

If you’re not already doing it, I really want to urge you to nurture your marriage by constructing a healthy protective boundary around it. Your children need to see you and your mate enjoying a loving and romantic relationship that doesn’t require their presence to exist.

Our kids always get goofy when Melissa and I hug or kiss. They jump up and down when we dance or flirt. They smile and cheer when we tell them we’re going out on a date. I’m convinced that’s God’s way of showing how secure they feel when there is marital harmony.

Present and available
Every distressed couple I counsel has at least one thing in common: they aren’t spending anywhere close to enough time together.

I recommend couples spend twelve hours of uninterrupted time together each week, excluding sleeping or “screen” time.

“Twelve hours! That’s impossible!”

Is it impossible because you aren’t doing it, or because you can’t imagine it? It’s not only possible, but it’s necessary. Think of the possibilities — what could be different in your marriage if you were present and available to your mate for just one more hour each day?

Parting thoughts …
1. Marriage isn’t just about two people. Healthy or unhealthy, a marriage has inter-generational consequences.

2. The most loving thing we can do for our children has nothing to do with getting overly-involved in their activities, buying them stuff, crowding their calendars, or exhausting ourselves keeping them in a constant state of bliss.

The MOST loving thing we can do for our children is to show them what a God-honouring marriage looks like.

“The greatest gift you can give your children is a sacred commitment to your spouse … Your kids need your devotion to each other more than they need your devotion to them.”
~ Dennis Rainey

3. Parenting reveals who we were designed to need.

“Having children helps us recognize who we are; they reveal our inability to be always loving and patient and kind in our marriage, and in our parenting. We reach the end of ourselves and turn to God for help because he is our only lasting source of hope.”
~ Drs. David and Jan Stoop

Here are few things to think about and discuss during your increased private time together …

  1. What do you remember most from childhood about your parents’ marriage?
  2. What are some things your children might be noticing about your marriage?
  3. When you are at home, is your primary role more as a parent or as a spouse?
  4. To whom do you feel most emotionally-connected in your home?
  5. Would you consider your home more marriage-centered or child-centered? Why?
  6. What are some things that are currently getting in the way of giving your mate the time and attention he/she deserves?
  7. What are some things you might do differently to protect your marriage relationship from people/things that rob it of the time and attention it needs?

Blessings on your home,
Robert

P.S: If you hang out on Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin, please share this article with your friends. Buttons are up top.

Peace in the Home, Inc. is a family organization whose mission is to strengthen marriages and equip parents. In addition to writing articles on marriage and parenting, Peace in the Home conducts seminars, workshops and retreats for engaged couples, married couples, and married and single parents.

Fathers, Date Your Children

At least once a month, I take each of my boys out on what we call a “Man Date.”

When I first heard of the Man Date idea, I liked it but thought my boys would resist and think it was “dorky”. Was I ever wrong!

Within a few days of having taken each of them on our first Man Date, they both wanted to know when we could do it again!

A “Man Date”? What’s that?

(Warning: be careful about Googling the phrase “man date” because you’ll get a ton of not-so-family-friendly results back! What I’m talking about is very family friendly!)

Our “Man Date” is simply me taking one of my sons out on a traditional date–i.e. going out to dinner or to see a movie, or just to hang out or do something fun together. Just like a traditional date, the goal is to spend some one-on-one, face-to-face time to talk and get to know each other better.

I usually let my sons pick the activity. I predicted my oldest (15) would often pick going to see a movie, but, again, I was wrong. Both of them almost always choose going out for dinner!

When I’m out on a date with my boys, I do two very important things:

First, I let them talk about anything thing they want to talk about. Anything! I tell them up-front that this is their time to say whatever they want to say or ask any question they want to ask without any fear of judgement or rebuke. They have the floor! I try not to initiate anything and, sometimes, there’s silence for a few minutes, but that’s OK. Sometimes we talk about significant stuff and sometimes they just want to keep it light. Either way is fine with me. I just like them to know it’s their time to have my attention.

Second, I leave me iPhone in the car or turn it off and leave it in my pocket! I remember the reaction I got from my youngest the first time I did this. He noticed it still in the charger in the car and said “Dad, you forgot your phone.” I said, “I know. I’m going to leave it there so it won’t distract me. This is YOUR time.” He looked at me with big eyes and shock on his face and said “Really??!!!” and pumped his arm in the air and whispered “YES!!”. Best decision I’ve made in a long time! Oh, and when I got back the car, I had 6 text messages and 3 missed calls.  None of them was urgent, but all of them would have been a distraction and stolen precious time from my son!

When you’re on a date, leave your phone in the car or turn it off!

Anyway, I don’t want to belabor the point. I just want you to think about doing this with your kids if you aren’t doing it already. Your kids will thank you for it and it will strengthen your relationships with them!

4 Reasons You Should Read the Books Your Teens are Reading

Maybe it’s because I love books and have ever since I was a teenager; maybe it’s because my wife and I were always on the same page about reading to our kids. Since the days they were born, we’ve read books to our boys. We’ve read them everything from Paddington Bear to Lord of the Rings, and it helps them to learn about human emotion. Fictional characters can be fascinating. Take Galadriel for example. She is beautiful and kind, but also dangerous and manipulative. Gandalf, on the other hand, is old and grey, but also powerful and fierce. Characters like this teach children how there is more than one side to a person, and it helps them to develop as a person too.

When they were babies, I read to them in their cribs. As they got older, I’d sit on the side of their beds and read stories to them. Many a night, we’d sit with a boy in our laps reading to them. What parent doesn’t love to hear the words “read another one, daddy!”? Sometimes we’d groan and say “really? We’ve read that one 5 times already today…” Just how many times can you read Dr. Seuss’s “The Foot Book” before you go crazy? Nevertheless, we still have a complete Dr. Seuss collection along with Winnie the Pooh, and Peter Pan, and Goodnight Moon on our bookshelves.

It is no surprise, now that they are old enough to make many choices on their own, my boys still love books. My 9-year-old still loves when I read to him! Every now and then, just for fun, he’ll pull out Peter Pan and say “let’s read this again…I miss it.”

My 15-year-old, Austin… not so much, but he still loves to read… just to himself!

It’s primarily my teenager I want to talk about in this post.

As Austin started to grow out of the “children’s” books and into teen and juvenile fiction, he stopped wanting me to read to him. This was just another area in which he was starting to assert his independence, his “I can do it myself” phase. This is a normal, healthy part of his development.

It’s often hard for parents to let go of the things we loved doing for our kids when they were little, but we must let go and let them stretch and grow new muscles. We mustn’t get our feeling hurt when they say “no, I just want to read alone!” He’s becoming independent and wants to explore the world of books and imagination on his own–and that’s a good thing!

However, that doesn’t mean you should just let your teens go off into the wild world of books all by themselves! You need to be reading the same books your teens are reading! You’ll be glad you did!

Here are 4 reasons you should read the same books as your teens:

1. There are some great juvenile fiction books being written today!

I have been blown away by the quality of some of the teen books I’ve read in the past few years! Because of that, I’ve gone on to read some teen books that my son hasn’t! It has really broadened my reading horizons!

Gary D. Schmidt is an example of an author I had never heard of but have come to love. My son picked up a copy of The Wednesday Wars and started reading it. It looked interesting and my wife had heard good things about it, so I decided we’d read it together–well, not exactly together…he had his copy, I had mine, but we read it at the same time. I was hooked and couldn’t put the book down. The story was gripping from the start (as all great fiction should be), but the language, plot, character and theme development was first class!

After The Wednesday Wars, Austin moved on to another author, but I had to read more. So I went on to read everything else Gary D. Schmidt has published and I now count him among the ranks of my favorite authors!

So, if you’re a reader of fiction, come down off your throne of “grown up” fiction or, heaven forbid, “literature”, and read some teen fiction. You won’t be disappointed.

2. You can see what subjects your teen is encountering through books!

This is where some parents start to get very nervous and, I’ll go ahead and say it, a bit over-protective. We don’t want our children exposed the subjects and themes they may not be mature enough to handle. I agree! We can’t just let our teens walk into any bookstore or library and come with any book they want! We still have to be the parents and sometimes say “No way, mister! Put that one back!”

However, your teens want to and need to come out from under your protective wings and grow some wings of their own. This is healthy! Help your teens make good choices and then give them a little extra rope as they demonstrate their ability to make good choices on their own.

That being said, when your kids do pick a book, you should read it too! Maybe you should even read that book you made him put back because of the questionable cover art and book jacket summary. You might find out that your teen was right and it wasn’t as “racy” as you thought it would be. Even if it does turn out to be as bad as you feared, you can then speak to the subject with experience and not be accused of “judging a book by it’s cover.”

Teens today are growing up in a very different world than the one you and I grew up in. Reading current teen fiction has opened my eyes to their world and the kinds of subjects and themes our current culture is throwing at them.

Information is king! The more you know about your teen’s world, the better you’ll be to help them through the rough spots. [Tweet this!]

As a side benefit, I get to learn and practice (to my son’s indelible embarrassment) some of their “cool” new language!

3. It gives you an easy way to start up a conversation with your teen!

This point really should be obvious and springs from Reason 2. If you have a teenager, you know how difficult (dangerous even?) it can be to start up a conversation!

Reading the same books simply gives you something to talk about. Duh!

You might get surprised by a conversation turn-around, too! I sometimes think it’s going to be me initiating the conversation by saying something like: “hey, what did you think about the car that guy was driving..” or something lame like that.

Every now and then, Austin will come to me with something like this, while reading a book in which the main character lives in a very difficult family situation: “Dad, it really bothers me when Doug’s father gets drunk and hits his mom. What would ever cause a man to do that?” Wow! What an opportunity to connect with my son and address some very real-world issues!

Reading the same books can create amazing connections with your teens!

4. It will show your teen that you care enough to participate in his or her world!

Some of the problems in parenting teens can come from your teen feeling that you are completely disconnected from his or her reality. That’s why we sometimes get the glare that says “you have no idea about my life, so don’t even bother!” Sometimes they are right! Ouch!

We have to be very careful to not make our teens feel like their world is immature or insignificant or something they will just out-grow in a few years. Remember back to when you were a teen apply the Golden Rule of Parenting Teens:

The Golden Rule of Parenting Teens: Treat your teen how you wish your parents had treated you! [Tweet this!]

Reading the same books your teen is reading gives you a chance to break through that wall. It shows your teen you are interested in their world and their issues. You don’t have to like the books or endorse some of the activities or thoughts described in the books. But if you take the time to read them, it shows you care. It gives you some common ground to stand on and talk about (Reason 3).

Sometimes it’s best to not be obvious about reading their books. Do it without their knowing it.

Occasionally, Austin will read a book and I don’t create a lot of fanfare to announce that I’m reading it too. I might read it a week or a month after I know he’s finished it. Maybe it was a book I wasn’t thrilled about him reading but let him do it anyway. If something from the book comes up in conversation, I can simply say “oh, yeah, I read that, too.” He’ll look at me quizzically and say “really? I didn’t think you cared for …”

Now he knows that I may not care for the book or the subject matter, but he knows I care enough about him to experience some of his world!

So, there you have it. Bruce’s 4 Reasons You Should Read the Books Your Teens are Reading.

Like so many other aspects of parenting, try to make it fun for both of you! Don’t turn it into a competition! Give your teen some room to breathe and grow. Use it as another way to connect and to help foster in your teen a love for books! You’ll wind up reading some pretty good books alone the way.

One problem you might have with this idea is time. Parents are busy. I get that. Where do you find the time to read their books? I’ve said this in other posts, but I do most of my “reading” by listening to unabridged audiobooks. I don’t have much time to sit and read, but I can listen to several books a month on my iPhone while I’m driving or running. Give audiobooks a shot if you don’t have time for traditional reading. There are also websites that offer audiobooks for downloads, such as All You Can Books and similar ones with some of the best audiobook subscription.

However, if you had a digital reading device, you could have a quick read in bed before you go to sleep with the background light. There are lots of devices out there, including quite a good ereader alternative to amazon kindles. Obviously, get one that suits your needs and also your budget!

Personally, I love my Amazon Kindle. It is so convenient to be able to download an eBook and get instant access to your purchase! Plus, you can often get eBooks at really low prices on Amazon. For example, thanks to an amazon promo code, I managed to get a load of new eBooks for my bedtime reading incredibly cheaply!

I suppose what I am trying to say is that because books can be purchased at such low prices nowadays, there really are no excuses for not getting stuck in. As you can imagine, I am always ordering new eBooks from Amazon to keep me busy. It is just so quick and easy!

Anyway, I hope you found something in this post useful for your role as a mom or dad. If so, please let me know by leaving me a comment or by sharing or liking or tweeting this post to your friends.

P.S. I asked Austin if he would read this before I posted it. He did and said “this is pretty cool” and then just walked away without further commentary. A typical teen-boy response… I’ll take that as a favorable review!

P.P.S. At the time of this writing, Austin and I are reading 11/22/63: A Novel by Stephen King. And, yes, there is some language and subject matter I’m uncomfortable with him reading, but we are talking through it. Oh, and it’s a really good book!